Saturday, October 26, 2013

The swirling cloud of doom and confusion

So in the absence of my being dead I am left with this swirling cloud filled with many things that are considered by the psychological community to be "abstract concepts." Things like frustration, sadness, anger, discontent, anxiety, doubt, worry, stress, jealousy, ghosts, ghouls, and all demons alike that steal your brain and replace it with wiggles and worries and unrest. I can't hardly think straight unless I have a task at hand. I go from total happiness to sobbing uncontrollably with little or no provocation. I envision myself freaking out and throwing a tantrum (including kicking and screaming and punching stuff) of Epic proportions in the middle of simple thing like traffic or my computer not functioning the way I want it to right at that moment. I think to myself "Really? We are going to be two years old and not control our emotions? THATs Mature. Grow up kid" and myself usually replies with some very intelligent insult like "NO! You're stupid! *sticks tongue out*"

Yep....this happens all the time.


So what am I supposed to do with this swirling cloud that doesn't go away? What do I do when people ask if things are getting better? Yes I am getting out of bed, yes today I smiled, yes I am sort of involved in the lives of others when I can be....but I feel this sense of desperation that all I those little victories could be torn away at any moment. That in that moment of weakness I will be right back to that scared little girl who doesn't want to lye anyone close for fear of the possibility of being hurt. That moment of losing all I have worked for is more terifying than not seeing through the cloud. What if I see through to a life I do not want? What if I see that i do end up where I was and that I've only been going in circles? What if what if what if.... There I am again. But now I'm a Telly monster AND oscar the grouch. Those are not really the traits I want to embody. 

So cloud, this is your warning! Get out of my way! I am gonna fight for the things I can change and ignore the what ifs. They don't help me!
We shall see how that goes. But today the cloud doesn't get to win. Today I am strong enough to finish today's needs. And tomorrow we will try again and push back the dark, the abstract, the lies, and the fear of what if. 
Just today 

Just one day is all I need to worry about. Then tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it yet and I can start again.
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2 comments:

  1. UnknownNovember 5, 2013 at 11:44 PM

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  2. UnknownNovember 6, 2013 at 6:09 AM

    I ask this with utter sincerity, love, and concern for my dear sister: Are you seeing a therapist? If not, please find out what options you have with your insurance and look into it.

    Therapy is not just for people who are clinically diagnosed with severe mental illness or trauma. Therapists are good listeners, they provide another external perspective, and can spot when our brain juices are messed up and need a little extra help.

    I'm not saying you need help; that's the therapist's job. But if you feel like you're just waiting for that other shoe to drop, therapy can help you spot where that other shoe is lurking, and put a pillow under it.

    I love you. You're one of the strongest people I know. But don't forget that strong people need a hand sometimes too, and that it isn't cowardly or weak to ask for or accept help.

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