The swirling cloud of doom and confusion

So in the absence of my being dead I am left with this swirling cloud filled with many things that are considered by the psychological community to be "abstract concepts." Things like frustration, sadness, anger, discontent, anxiety, doubt, worry, stress, jealousy, ghosts, ghouls, and all demons alike that steal your brain and replace it with wiggles and worries and unrest. I can't hardly think straight unless I have a task at hand. I go from total happiness to sobbing uncontrollably with little or no provocation. I envision myself freaking out and throwing a tantrum (including kicking and screaming and punching stuff) of Epic proportions in the middle of simple thing like traffic or my computer not functioning the way I want it to right at that moment. I think to myself "Really? We are going to be two years old and not control our emotions? THATs Mature. Grow up kid" and myself usually replies with some very intelligent insult like "NO! You're stupid! *sticks tongue out*"

Yep....this happens all the time.

So what am I supposed to do with this swirling cloud that doesn't go away? What do I do when people ask if things are getting better? Yes I am getting out of bed, yes today I smiled, yes I am sort of involved in the lives of others when I can be....but I feel this sense of desperation that all I those little victories could be torn away at any moment. That in that moment of weakness I will be right back to that scared little girl who doesn't want to lye anyone close for fear of the possibility of being hurt. That moment of losing all I have worked for is more terifying than not seeing through the cloud. What if I see through to a life I do not want? What if I see that i do end up where I was and that I've only been going in circles? What if what if what if.... There I am again. But now I'm a Telly monster AND oscar the grouch. Those are not really the traits I want to embody. 

So cloud, this is your warning! Get out of my way! I am gonna fight for the things I can change and ignore the what ifs. They don't help me!

We shall see how that goes. But today the cloud doesn't get to win. Today I am strong enough to finish today's needs. And tomorrow we will try again and push back the dark, the abstract, the lies, and the fear of what if. 

Just today 

Just one day is all I need to worry about. Then tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it yet and I can start again.

Nope....not dead

Just thought you would like to know I'm not dead... Or pregnant.... Or any closer to knowing what's happening to me. Nope. Just been existing. Ok, maybe that's a lie. Been surviving new job, spousal unemployment, flares, market spikes, new doctors, late payments , and even later periods. So I guess that's a bit closer to surviving a war than just existing. 

Have I grown any, you ask? Sure. I've Grown fat (ok fatter), grown tired, grown angry, groaned, and grown weary of doctors looking at the most intimate part of my life with puzzled faces saying " well we can try again next month." Really doc? That simple huh? Maybe you should work on what the problem is or isn't instead of shoot blindly hoping I'll just show up pregnant so you can shoot blindly in the dark again till the baby shows up. Grrrr. 

That right there, plus the fact that I could never get a call through with my work schedule, AND the fact that I left work early to retrieve some papers only to find that I barely made it (30 min before they were supposed to closed) because they were leaving early for the day I why I left my old doctors office. I know the new one has barely scratched the surface of treating me and I've only had one appt with the guy. But that sure makes me feel like I wasted a year of time, stress, and money on a doctor who didn't really want to help me. Just wanted my insurance money. 

Blah.

Man test was finally done. Poor hubby. He did not like that at all. Very degrading for him. I'm sorry honey :(

I guess we'll see what happens next. Or we will just keep surviving one day at a time.