The swirling cloud of doom and confusion

So in the absence of my being dead I am left with this swirling cloud filled with many things that are considered by the psychological community to be "abstract concepts." Things like frustration, sadness, anger, discontent, anxiety, doubt, worry, stress, jealousy, ghosts, ghouls, and all demons alike that steal your brain and replace it with wiggles and worries and unrest. I can't hardly think straight unless I have a task at hand. I go from total happiness to sobbing uncontrollably with little or no provocation. I envision myself freaking out and throwing a tantrum (including kicking and screaming and punching stuff) of Epic proportions in the middle of simple thing like traffic or my computer not functioning the way I want it to right at that moment. I think to myself "Really? We are going to be two years old and not control our emotions? THATs Mature. Grow up kid" and myself usually replies with some very intelligent insult like "NO! You're stupid! *sticks tongue out*"

Yep....this happens all the time.

So what am I supposed to do with this swirling cloud that doesn't go away? What do I do when people ask if things are getting better? Yes I am getting out of bed, yes today I smiled, yes I am sort of involved in the lives of others when I can be....but I feel this sense of desperation that all I those little victories could be torn away at any moment. That in that moment of weakness I will be right back to that scared little girl who doesn't want to lye anyone close for fear of the possibility of being hurt. That moment of losing all I have worked for is more terifying than not seeing through the cloud. What if I see through to a life I do not want? What if I see that i do end up where I was and that I've only been going in circles? What if what if what if.... There I am again. But now I'm a Telly monster AND oscar the grouch. Those are not really the traits I want to embody. 

So cloud, this is your warning! Get out of my way! I am gonna fight for the things I can change and ignore the what ifs. They don't help me!

We shall see how that goes. But today the cloud doesn't get to win. Today I am strong enough to finish today's needs. And tomorrow we will try again and push back the dark, the abstract, the lies, and the fear of what if. 

Just today 

Just one day is all I need to worry about. Then tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it yet and I can start again.

Nope....not dead

Just thought you would like to know I'm not dead... Or pregnant.... Or any closer to knowing what's happening to me. Nope. Just been existing. Ok, maybe that's a lie. Been surviving new job, spousal unemployment, flares, market spikes, new doctors, late payments , and even later periods. So I guess that's a bit closer to surviving a war than just existing. 

Have I grown any, you ask? Sure. I've Grown fat (ok fatter), grown tired, grown angry, groaned, and grown weary of doctors looking at the most intimate part of my life with puzzled faces saying " well we can try again next month." Really doc? That simple huh? Maybe you should work on what the problem is or isn't instead of shoot blindly hoping I'll just show up pregnant so you can shoot blindly in the dark again till the baby shows up. Grrrr. 

That right there, plus the fact that I could never get a call through with my work schedule, AND the fact that I left work early to retrieve some papers only to find that I barely made it (30 min before they were supposed to closed) because they were leaving early for the day I why I left my old doctors office. I know the new one has barely scratched the surface of treating me and I've only had one appt with the guy. But that sure makes me feel like I wasted a year of time, stress, and money on a doctor who didn't really want to help me. Just wanted my insurance money. 

Blah.

Man test was finally done. Poor hubby. He did not like that at all. Very degrading for him. I'm sorry honey :(

I guess we'll see what happens next. Or we will just keep surviving one day at a time.

Are you afraid of the dark?

So I have this funny habit. I've had it since I was very little and I am quite sure it will get me into trouble with my own children some day. Its a habit that my mom learned to describe very early so my little child brain could understand. I am a telly monster! Yes. Indeed. Other names for this condition are: worrywort, spoil sport, medeler, nosey, controlling, over-analytical, and uptight. I have never really perceived myself as any of those things, but I do identify with the adorable but easily worried purple monster who is quite fond of triangles.

I understand having an imagination and foresight that can get you in trouble. I understand trying to think about one thing that's happy but being lead into scary-ville for no apparent reason. I worry about friends and family, about money and the future, about health and the economy, I have even caught myself worrying about if I could die from head-trauma if I take a corner too fast. I am a worrier.

In some ways worrying prepares me for unknown circumstance, but those are pretty few and far between. Most often all that worry does is cause me to stress over possibilities that haven't happened yet, giving the unknown future more power over my present circumstances than I have. Worry is at its core, simply fear of the dark. Now I see very well in the dark and can discern many things, but those noises that go bump in the night (the water heater, the pipes, the wind, the slow movement of the earth's natural course) suddenly have great power when they have no boundary and no origin. When we were little we thought that goliath (who was 10ft tall) was big enough to take on godzilla if he wanted to. But that assumption only lasted as long as we didn't know that 10ft was only to the average ceiling. For us 10ft had no real boundary or form, it was just scary and big! Worry is the same way. We can place a lable on our fears, but with worry it has no boundary and so our fear is its potential. We fear people for their capacity to hurt us (even in love), we fear a plane's potential to fall straight out of the sky, we fear the deadly virus and germs that are everywhere for what they could potentially infect us with (possibly even kill us), yet we worriers never stop to think about our own potential matching the unknown. We don't think about our own potential because we assume our own limitations. 

The greatest power secrets (or the unknown) have is in the darkness. When we do not know and cannot see the limitations. Satan's lies have power that comes from being formed in darkness. We don't understand it so we fear it to be true. With such a world we live in, we give these lies and worries such AMAZING power. Ask a CEO how his company works and he doesn't really know; ask a stock trader what controls the market and he can't really explain it; ask a politician how the people are active in their leadership and they don't really know. These systems have power because we give them power. If knowledge is power then the unknown is the ultimate evil force in the universe.
And yet many choose to serve an unknown God with no limits, boundaries, or any form of objective knowledge.

Why wouldn't us worriers be scared silly?

But here is where I have the advantage over telly: faith gives me the ability to know that my God is bigger than all other unknowns! I can know that while Godzilla can topple buildings, my God created universes and subatomic particles alike. That gives me courage most days; and on the days when that doesn't quite take the fear away, I have learned to take the power back for myself by turning on the lights. If I don't know about something, I research it, ask about it, or plainly state the truth that I already know. Often times I will line up the lies and the truth next to each other on a piece of paper just so I can see and KNOW the power they have over me and the power I have taken back.

Sometimes I have worry-parties still. Sometimes I can't see through the darkness and I need someone to turn on the light for me. I am thankful for those people that do. I am also thankful that I can speak the truth and claim the power God has given me.

So one day at a time I will reclaim that power over Doubt, over anger, over jealousy, and over anxiety.
Thank you God for my days! And thank you for giving them to me one at at time.

Big Girl Dreams

Everyone I've ever known talks about what they want to be when they grow up. As a matter of fact we start talking about it almost as soon as we can talk and then don't stop until we figure it out. Often we cycle through different versions of our "grown up" selves; or we come up with awesome new Job markets! (Yeah Obama, why haven't you explored the fields of Dinosaur-Astronauts or Ballerina-Truck Drivers? That might solve your unemployment rates across the country...maybe....its worth a try anyway)

A few of my various Grown-up-selves are:
A fighter pilot
A ballerina
A Broadway Star/recording artist
A fashion designer/fashion icon/model
A Doctor/Nurse
A Marine Biologist (that one lasted from 5th grade till middle of high school)
A Choreographer
Queen of anywhere
Princess of anywhere (I love my husband and he treats me well, but he looks at me funny if I wear a tiara all the time)
Amazon Warrior Princess
Massage therapist (with the deterioration of my hands due to fibro I have given up on becoming a full time therapist)
A Gaffer/key grip/stage manager
Magazine Editor/writer (this didn't last long since I have good design instincts but can't spell worth beans)
A teacher
and most recently a Midwife/Doula (though that didn't last long)

I don't really see a pattern....if there is one I'm sure its a delightful insight into my psyche...yada yada. I'm not the weirdest duck in the pond, but I have always liked to be different and unique. Or...at least what I thought was unique. I was pretty bummed when 7 girls in my youth group wanted to be marine biologists too. But I am unique in my own way (I'm sure half of them are not marine biologist either) and I have decided to write my new "When I Grow up" list. I am turning 25 this year. Not anywhere close to Grown up yet, but too old to pretend that I will ever be most of the things listed above....except maybe Amazon Warrior Princess ;)

So here is my List of Big Girl Dreams (some are little and silly but again....this is my blog so :p )
~Get back on stage performing
~Finish my degree
~Publish something (poem, prose, short story, etc. but sadly a blog doesn't count)
~Take up Dance again (nothing stressful but good for exercise)
~Be a Light designer
~Have an artist booth at a craft fair or market/sell a painting or a photograph
~Explore my photography skills
~Relearn to sew
~Direct my incomplete project from college
~Record a Song (even just on youtube...but that is even scary)
~Read Harry Potter (Yep...I haven't read them..sue me)
~Learn Henna (I think that is a cool art form)
~Learn Russian
~Learn the Piano
~Live in New York (even just for a month)
~Visit Bali
~Visit the Mediterranean (Italy, Greece, Turkey, Crete, all those places! :D)
~Be a Mom
~Paint a cute Swamp in our Nursery (when the time comes...which is not yet..)

and with a big Drum Roll....pattatataatatatatataatatatatataWhat I want to tatatataBe When I tatataGrow Up tatatatatatatatattattatatattat-tish

A Vocal, Speech, and Performance Coach! *Cheers and Huzzah from random crowd members*

I'm pretty excited about how its going now and for all the possibilities. I started thinking about this after I began giving lessons to a family friend. She is very talented but wanted to do more for her college career, called my husband (who didn't really have time with his new promotion) and then was referred to me. I have really enjoyed the work we've done together and I'm super proud of all of her progress. (Ps She made it to state! Woot!)
Working with her got me thinking about how much I enjoy it, how satisfying it is when we have a big break through (which is pretty often since she is great!), and how I love to teach..but my way. It was suggested that I start my own voice studio and then I expanded the idea. I know this is not going to take off over night, I know that I have a long way to go (mostly with my piano playing), and I know this is worth all the work and wait!
So one day at a time...one step at a time I will make my dreams come true :)

Feels good to say and think that!