Turning pages

I'm a pretty avid reader. Have been since I was a kid. How I developed that is a slight mystery since I have dyslexia and read fairly slowly, but I am very fond of reading. In general, I like stories. I prefer adventure filled tales of fantasy and valor, but I am also drawn to any good story that keeps evolving and changing. I had a really hard time with charles dickens and some quarrels with JRR tolkien (walking is great but things have to happen before the reader developes a cramp in their arm) because of the resistance to change they seem to display. Eventually their characters learn something and grow but fundementally they remain unchanged. As I read through these author's work and felt such an aversion to finish, I wondered what spawned my reaction and I came up with this: I didn't want to see a character struggle with change the same way I do. Instead, I prefer to see myself as a hero of my own story who deals with change in a graceful and welcoming manner. I wanted to be Katniss or Elizabeth Bennet or Violet (leminey snicket) not Mrs. Everdeen or Lady Catherine or count Olaf. I wanted to usher my story in my way, not sit on the sidelines, or worse, get in the way. Change is difficult because it only comes through testing and hardship. Boy, they try and tell you that stuff but its never so true as when the test is staring you in the face and you feel totally inadiquate. My testing has been pretty intense over the last few days and I have definitely felt the pangs of growth in myself. Watching our belongings be packed away and sent ahead of us, saying goodbye to friends and familiar places, putting away old plans, it all makes you think. You look at all the things you've accomplished, or never got to, all the people you connected with, and all the ways you've changed. I realized with an anxious and heavy heart that I am headed straight into an ultimatum: either rely on old habits and friendships to keep me afloat (and probably fail) or change. Change is never a comfortable thing, but I live on the bits and pieces of wearing memories. I don't want to feel that the highlight of my life is behind me and all I can do is retell the tale. I will cherish the time and the people from this last chapter. They have helped me become who I am thus far. To quote a favorite broadway hit "who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you I have been changed for good." I love you all and I want you to know you have changed me for good. Now I stand on the corner of the last page. Its an emotional brain bender to stand in two places at once, and I feel like I could split in two. One half too afraid of the unknown to dare look at what is on the other side. The other half, the stronger half at the moment, is done with the last chapter and ready to move forward. So today I turn the page as we arrive in our new home. Part of me still fears the unknown and the possible heartaches that go with it. But to be the hero you have to keep going forward. Even just one step at a time....