All that being said: I'M SO SICK OF IT!!!! I am tired of reading about Sally's homework and little baby Johnny's growth spurt and this cute outfit and that beautiful photo shoot of the kids at 3, 6, and 9 months old. Wow they grow fast! And look like the same beautiful little people who God gave you to cherish...just taller and more beautiful! I'm not sick of sharing your journey and loving the little miracles you have. I am sick of feeling less because I can't contribute. I feel like since I don't have children I am not allowed to say anything because I either "don't understand/ haven't been there" or I am making you feel bad because I am "so lucky that you get to still be a (young woman, newlywed, independent, fill in the blank). I'm sure this feeling is self inflicted in some ways. No one has picked on me, but I have heard those things said to me. I also have not been litterally called me out on my lack of family values or my failure as a woman to fulfill my role as the help meet and support, but I feel pity from those who think I have. No one has actually said my job and professional ambissions are not God honoring for a woman to have...they have also not said that I'm overly focused on myself and career.
Let me be clear: not all of these things have been said to me lately. But let me also be clear about this: I have heard some and the rest of these things have been said about women my age who are in similar family situations. I have heard these things from the time I was in middle school. I have heard it was my god given role to be a helper and mother and caretaker if my family. I have heard that it is not right for a woman to hold high ambitions in a career but that she should be satisfied to be in a serving role. I have heard these things said around me and I grew up influenced by them. No wonder I feel sick of other people's children and families!
I don't want to go to church every Sunday in corduroy and gingham with a bow in my hair! I don't want to drive a minivan just because they seem respectable! I don't want to wear sensible shoes all the time! I don't want to swap recipes and sewing projects and laugh about how silly men are. I do love those conversations on occasion, but why can't we talk about art? Why can't I talk about my career or hopes? If we must talk children, Why can't we discuss culture and how our (ok your) kids are developing into great contributors and citizens of the world?
Why can't we discuss ambissions and life goals for you after your kids have gone on to pursue their life goals? Don't you want them to see you going after something and be inspired? It doesn't have to mean that your incredible work and sacrifice raising them was just a blip in the road. Motherhood can be a definition if you feel so passionate. But can you campaign for other mothers? Can you pour your hearts into being fierce women with a cause for women?
Can we stop with the pig and pony show that is parenting these days? I am basically asking if we can just give each other permission to be real again. To be true to the bent of our hearts is something that is born in us and is a joy to watch grow. So let's take the time to see it in our children AND in each other.
I am not the mom jeans girl. I have many dear friends and mentors and even a sister who is (well more than I am). I don't love the idyllic picture of Ricky and Lucy or wonder at the glory of June Cleaver or Betty Crocker. I loathe those women (well I feel better watching Lucy stuff her face with chocolate) or I love to pick at them.
I am a petty picker and I'm sorry.
But I am also quite done altering my personality to make you feel better. So here I am unaltered and raw. If you don't like me then you will need to find a new blog to read and I will likely not darken your church door ever again. I am strong, ambitious, determined, highly intelligent, skilled, creative, motivated, faithful, loyal, logical, broken, emotional, cold, jealous, angry, pushy, self deprecating, stubborn, fierce, and fiercely loved by God almighty! These are all bents of mine that I've discovered over the years. I've also learned that I do not thrive on the company of many but cherish the intimacy of a few (I am a dictionary introvert with wonderful communication skills to compensate). I value people in the deepest ways and am often deeply wounded because of it. I wear my heart and my work on my sleeve a bit too often but that tends to make my work excellent because I have poured my soul and sweat into every ounce. I love words and everything they have power over. I love beautiful things! Jewels, people, art, nature, you name it! I also love dark things. I love the poetry of Edgar Allen Poe and Robert frost. I love weird things like Star Trek, Sherlock, Jane Austin, and fairies! I have a beautiful bent to my spirit and in so many ways it is not bent towards the "church lady" image. Wha I do hope I bring to a church body or really to anyone around me a a fierce loyalty and a love through all barriers. I want to being that to the babies and the mothers and the men and the elders and anyone who comes in contact with me. I want to embody the fierce love Christ showed in his ministry and I believe that can include having an abitious career. Not for the love of it, but to be near people serving and loving fiercely!
Can you really blame me for feeling stalled? I suppose you can if you want to. That's not up to me. But wouldn't it be so much nicer if we could just fill every day with a service of others out of love instead of pulling others down by showing off?
I don't want to be a show off, but I want to celebrate the same as you. For me right now celebration doesn't involve 6 month photo shoots, breast feeding moments, first poopies, or Sally's cello recital. Oh how I wish it could.
For me it is celebrating a new vision of my career, a new car, a funny story about my dog, a small victory of going to work when I didn't feel up to it, my feminine cycle returning without chemical aids, the loss of three more pounds.
To me these are as monumental as I can muster. I can't delight in baby's cooing or his first steps or a sweet moment of humanity. So instead I delight where I can and I'm done hiding it for fear of shame. I cannot have what you have. I do not feel welcome to contribute because of that fact.
So, I will change the subject for now.
And one day at a time maybe we can accept each other and rejoice in diversity instead of dwelling in judgement and envy.
I promise I will try every day.
